Hot Air

Well, it's official. I have chronic migraine disorder. And if you're like my friend Mat, who asked if I wanted to talk about why I was feeling bleh today, you can stop reading now.

Why? Because he asked if I wanted to talk about it and I said yes, so I started with that I had my neurologist appointment and have to take meds. Apparently the fact that I ALREADY knew I had this was all he assumed to be wrong and went on his merry little way to spend time with his girlfriend.

Men suck.

So why am I agreeing to my girlfriend becoming one? No friggin' clue. Maybe because she thinks like one and doesn't pick up on subtle hints that most women perceive to be blazingly obvious. Maybe it's just me. I know she's going through a lot with school and work and health issues and one of her classmates was killed in a motorcycle accident recently... But snapping at the girl who's trying to support you and then asking why we never have real conversations anymore? Not a good thing to do.

I go to school too. I've had people I was close with die too. I know I don't work or pay rent or have to deal with prejudice people most of the time, but I try to understand. I try to be there for you and I value your opinion. And this past week I've been acting more and more like the old you. I've been refusing to cry when I feel upset or panicked, I hold it in and put up a mask. A happy, smiley mask.... And I hate it..

Anyway, I'm working at some fudge thing this weekend, so new ink should be on me soon.

Horoscope = Lie

Now that the worst day of the year is over.....

Classes:

Drawing 1

2D Design

Photographic Media 2

English Composition 2

Art History 2

Classes have been going great, I'm still involved in NoBAC (http://www.northofbostonartscenter.org) and we are doing Mozart's The Magic Flute in May. Academically, which takes up 90% of my life, I'm doing wonderful. I'm active in theater, I'm going to be taking Kung Fu and I'm busy.

Which brings me to my lousy love life. My horoscope has been unrelenting of the fact that I apparently should be dating. You need to surround yourself with people today -- or at least spend plenty of time with one special person! Solitude is sometimes just what you need, but on a day like today, it's not helpful. Well, ya know what? I don't HAVE a 'special someone'. The one I consider my 'special someone' isn't interested in being it. So I'm loveless at the moment, stop telling me to go with them. Yes, I haven't kissed anyone since October, yes, it is driving me insane. STOP REMINDING ME.

Okay, I'm off to eat breakfast. Bye!

Now what?

Liz Limburg November 23 at 1:58am
This isn't an apology, it's an explanation. I haven't been talking to you because every time I screw up in the least possible way, I get written off as a horrible bitch and told that everyone keeps telling you to write me off. I told you the plans for Halloween fell through before you came down, I know I did because I told everyone else at the same time and it was a mass IM. Yes, you still came down, and I made the mistake of not doing anything with you even though you came down. But I told you before it happened that I was going to spend the evening with Billy. I understand you being upset, but that doesn't mean everyone else has a right to jump in. Skie had absolutely no reason to message me saying that it was bullshit I tried. None. So I'm done. I try to make things right and fix them all the time, and when it doesn't work, I back off, I detach, and I apologise. Things get better then. But this time I'm not doing that. I'm not gonna detach this time. As much as I care about you, it's not worth getting hurt every time I mess up even a little bit. That's why I haven't spoken to you, that's why I haven't responded to anything. I can't do it. That's it.

Shannon Gemma November 23 at 8:24am
Thank-you for letting me know we're through. After six years of trying and fighting, thank-you for letting me know that you've given up. I have no control over anybody else but myself. I didn't know what Skie and Mum wrote until I saw it on here. Everything we went through, and I still can't say a harsh word about you.... Maybe I'm weak, I really don't know. But thank-you for letting me know that six years of my life just went down the tube. And good-bye Elizabeth....

Liz Limburg November 23 at 10:25am
I've been trying too, Shannon. But everytime I make the smallest mistake, it gets so blown out of porportion that I come off looking like a massive bitch, and end up apologising over and over for one little mistake. That's why I'm stopping. I'm not gonna spend all of my time apologising anymore. Every single apology was another detachment, another way to be numb. This way, at least I feel.

Shannon Gemma November 23 at 10:32am
Guess your friends are right about me then. I'm the reason you become detached. Sorry for ruining your life.... I really wish I could've been the one Lizzie.... I won't bother you anymore...

Liz Limburg November 23 at 10:54am
God, you didn't ruin my life, Shannon! You're not the only one who made it happen! EVERYONE I've ever apologised to has been the same way. I tell the truth, I look like a bitch, I take it back and draw back a bit more. That's how it works with me. I don't lie, and when I come off as a bitch for telling the truth, I take it back and stop telling it. It wasn't meant to make you think you ruined my life, I was telling you the honest truth. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry.

Shannon Gemma November 23 at 12:57pm
No Liz, I'm sorry. Because for years, people have been telling me I've changed you. I made you cut, I made you depressed. Fine, I'll take responsibility. I'm a bad thing that happens to good people. Cut me out and stop talking to me. It would probably be better for everyone if you did....

Liz Limburg November 23 at 6:51pm
You're not listening to what I'm saying. It wasn't just you, so don't try and make it all your fault. It's the fact that if I screw up even in the least, I become an instant bitch!

Shannon Gemma November 24 at 11:00am
If you were apologizing, why did you send me a message in the first place? Because the only thing I'm getting out of any of these messages is that you don't want me in your life anymore. If that is what it is, tell me and I'll do it.

Liz Limburg November 24 at 11:01am
I sent you a message to explain why I haven't been talking to you. I don't want to have to worry about becoming a complete bitch whenever I mess up even in the littlest sense of the word, and that's all that happens whenever I mess up with you. So I explained.

Shannon Gemma November 24 at 11:03am
So, your punishing me because everyone else flipped shit about Halloween?

Liz Limburg November 24 at 11:08am
I don't even know... It's like, I mess up even a tiny bit and everyone's instantly pissed off at me, so I end up apologising because I think I screwed up, and look back later and realize it's something I shouldn't have had to apologise for. I don't want to have to feel like a bitch for making tiny little mistakes anymore.

Shannon Gemma November 24 at 11:11am
I didn't get pissed off Liz. I was hurt, yes, but I wasn't pissed off. If this is your reaction to it, then maybe we really should stop trying... Because that last message you sent to my phone last night broke my heart and I don't know if I can go through that again.

Liz Limburg November 24 at 11:18am
I sent that because every time I try to explain what made me upset, you start saying you're gonna give up, and if you have to say it every time I explain, then what's to say you're not gonna just do it one of these times? I tried to make plans, the plans fell through, I understand you being upset, but I didn't do it to turn into a bitch to everyone else. I made the attempt, but when things fall through and I went with the failsafe plan, I ended up being told that I never tried and that I was a massive bitch because I "chose" to spend Halloween with Billy instead of you. And it's happened over other things too. It's complete bullshit, and whenever something like this happens and I explain, you say something about finally giving up.

Shannon Gemma November 24 at 11:26am
Then take it up with the people who pinned you into that light. And whenever you explain, it just doesn't make sense. Liz, I love you but I don't know what you want from me. Whenever I'm around, you conveniently can't spend time with me even if I'm there for you. What else am I suppose to think? And you know my mother can read me like a book. It isn't the first time we've had an issue. Only the last time we had a big issue, I was in bed of weeks feeling like I wanted to simply crawl out of my skin and never move again. So you decide. Because every time you tell me it's my choice, something bad happens.

Liz Limburg November 24 at 11:29am
I want things to not be complicated anymore, Shannon. If having a friendship is gonna be eternally complicated, then it might be better to not have it.

Shannon Gemma November 24 at 11:29am
Fine. Good-bye.

Liz Limburg November 26 at 8:51pm
........ Does it have to be complicated, always? Can it never just be a friendship?

Shannon Gemma November 26 at 8:53pm
After six years, no Liz. It can't. We stopped having 'just a friendship' at the end of the seventh grade.

Liz Limburg November 26 at 8:55pm
I know that, but... I don't want to lose you, but I don't know what else to do here.

Shannon Gemma November 26 at 8:58pm
Liz, you say that every time something like this happens and it seems that I'm finally going to walk away.... What are you even looking for?

Liz Limburg November 26 at 9:01pm
A friend? I can't do relationships, Shannon. Or anything close to one. But I want friendship. I understand it's never going to be simple, but I don't want it to feel like I'm ripping your heart into tiny little pieces everytime I make a mistake either.

Shannon Gemma November 26 at 9:15pm
Liz... I can't be just friends. I just can't. You have plenty of friends who have probably told numerous times that I'm useless or something similar and you seem to be doing fine with them. I've been as patient as I can but I can't do it anymore.

Liz Limburg November 26 at 9:22pm
... All those times I wanted to be more than friends, you told me you weren't ready for that. Now, I'm not ready and you can't handle it.

Shannon Gemma November 26 at 9:28pm
All the times you wanted to I was usually with someone. And then when I am, you aren't ready or some other excuse... I try and I wait. I've tried to be there for you as much as I can while having a life of my own ...

Liz Limburg November 26 at 9:31pm
I don't want you to stop your life for me, Shannon! I want a friendship, meaning I can talk to you without each word being overanalyzed. Everything doesn't always have a meaning in a friendship. I want to be able to share stuff with you without you thinking I'm trying to tell you something else. I want you to have your life, just like I have mine, and still know that I'm here when you need me and vice versa. A friend, Shannon. A friend. Like Billy. I love him too, in the same way. But he's still a friend. I want that.

Shannon Gemma November 26 at 9:52pm
No, Liz. You can't do this to me. You can't tell me you love me for five years and then turn around and say all you want is a friendship. It doesn't work that way.

Liz Limburg November 26 at 10:09pm
It's not that I don't love you, Shannon. But I can't do a relationship right now, I just can't. I have issues just hugging people right now, what do you expect me to do? I've tried kissing someone, and when I do, I freak out. You can't have a relationship without any of the physical part. What do you want me to do? I'm trying, but I can't do it yet.

Shannon Gemma November 26 at 10:18pm
Who are you trying to convince? Me or you? You had trouble even holding my hand when we went out, and I'm not here 9/10ths of the time because I'm away at college anyway. Our friendship is always going to be complicated Liz. And the problem is that I'm taking the first step into trying not to be at your beck and call. Because I've always answered you back, because whenever you needed me, I tried to be there but then when I left RI, you fell off the face of the planet unless I contacted you first. I love you Liz, more then it seems you really realize. I can't listen to Rent, Across the Universe.... Hell, I started crying when a commerical for wrestling came on the other day. I've been throwing myself into stress so that I don't have to think about it but at the end of the day, I lay in bed a force myself not to look and the pictures of you I have pinned to my wall.

Liz Limburg November 26 at 10:22pm
I just... I don't know, Shannon. I can't be in a relationship right now. I don't want to lose you, though.

Shannon Gemma November 26 at 10:33pm
You keep saying that... You've been saying that for, what? Two? Three? Four years? But it's been nothing but words... And words lose there meaning in time..

Liz Limburg November 26 at 10:34pm
It's not just words. We're just out of high school. I haven't even gotten to New York yet. We still have life left before we have to settle down. I want to live before I settle down.

Shannon Gemma November 26 at 10:45pm
I'm not asking you to settle down, Liz....

Liz Limburg November 26 at 10:47pm
Then what do you want me to do?

Shannon Gemma November 26 at 10:48pm
I don't know... I just want it to stop hurting. I haven't cried so much in the last six monthes then I have the last three or four days...

Liz Limburg November 26 at 10:49pm
So we're back where we started. Neither of us knows what we want to do, you're hurting, I'm detaching. Nothing's changing.

Shannon Gemma November 26 at 10:52pm
Then change something.

Liz Limburg November 26 at 10:53pm
Okay. I have a question for you. Define open relationship.

Shannon Gemma November 26 at 10:55pm
When your 'with' someone but are still able to date other people.

Liz Limburg November 26 at 10:56pm
Would you be interested in an open relationship?

What do I do now?

Six Years in Two Days

Thanksgiving vaca is coming up in two days. I'm going home for the long weekend, which means food, family and homework. I have three essays, all my moodle work and a painting to get done.. That and I'll be within a mile of the girl I gave six years of my life to, only to now be in this ongoing battle of her trying to make herself sound like a better person whilst telling me to bugger off. And me, being the obedient little girl, is taking every emotional blow that comes with it. The one person I really should stand up to is the one I refuse to... -_-'''' I'm such a moron.

Aerobics

So, yesterday, I went to this aerobics thing in the student lounge at school, Aerobic Striptease with Carmen Electra. I was the only freshman and only girl with short hair and I had a BLAST. I'm sore now, but god was it fun!

Sunday Calling

Hello all you little non-existents... (Because, seriously, who evens reads this thing anymore?) I shall be in RI on Saturday for the last Waterfire of the season! School is going well, I still don't like my English class... The teacher's nice, just.... Over analyzes the text..... WAAAAAAY over analyzes it...

So yeah, Lydia called me Sunday, from base, for the sole reason of 'breaking up' with me. "I don't think our relationship is going anywhere." Really, princess? I knew this BEFORE you decided to leave from Alabama, or where ever you are. Also found out from my brother that she's had her own cell phone for months, and from her that Sundays are call days. Every Sunday. And, she called me on someone else's phone. I mean, really? I have already moved on, hell, I've already been on a date and I'm going on another one. So, that totally blew up my weekend. And we're starting to paint for PCL today. I despise oil paints. DESPISE

But, that's all for now. Soks out.

Day 1

Day 1 at Anime Boston = FANFUCKINGTASTIC!!!! Even though I was up for 19 hours and only got about 6 hours of sleep last night, I cannot wait for today. Why? Because today, I has money!!!

My cosplay as the Nekoneko mascot sort of failed as I got too warm in it. Gianni went to the Black Orchid Ball, so when she changed into her dress, I took her cosplay of Edward Elric. DX OMG that girl is skinny! I couldn't breathe in those pants, I couldn't bend over and I couldn't sit down!!! But Andrea got to wear my cosplay and the people at Artist's Alley loved it. My inner fashion designer did the butterbeer dance.

Today, I'm going as Nekozawa from Ouran High School Host Club. (See picture above.)

Pictures will be on Facebook soon!