Shadows of the Mind

Hot Air

2010-09-29T16:31:00.000-07:00

Well, it's official. I have chronic migraine disorder. And if you're like my friend Mat, who asked if I wanted to talk about why I was feeling bleh today, you can stop reading now.

Why? Because he asked if I wanted to talk about it and I said yes, so I started with that I had my neurologist appointment and have to take meds. Apparently the fact that I ALREADY knew I had this was all he assumed to be wrong and went on his merry little way to spend time with his girlfriend.

Men suck.

So why am I agreeing to my girlfriend becoming one? No friggin' clue. Maybe because she thinks like one and doesn't pick up on subtle hints that most women perceive to be blazingly obvious. Maybe it's just me. I know she's going through a lot with school and work and health issues and one of her classmates was killed in a motorcycle accident recently... But snapping at the girl who's trying to support you and then asking why we never have real conversations anymore? Not a good thing to do.

I go to school too. I've had people I was close with die too. I know I don't work or pay rent or have to deal with prejudice people most of the time, but I try to understand. I try to be there for you and I value your opinion. And this past week I've been acting more and more like the old you. I've been refusing to cry when I feel upset or panicked, I hold it in and put up a mask. A happy, smiley mask.... And I hate it..

Anyway, I'm working at some fudge thing this weekend, so new ink should be on me soon.

Horoscope = Lie

2010-02-16T07:03:00.000-08:00

Now that the worst day of the year is over.....

Classes:

Drawing 1

2D Design

Photographic Media 2

English Composition 2

Art History 2

Classes have been going great, I'm still involved in NoBAC (http://www.northofbostonartscenter.org) and we are doing Mozart's The Magic Flute in May. Academically, which takes up 90% of my life, I'm doing wonderful. I'm active in theater, I'm going to be taking Kung Fu and I'm busy.

Which brings me to my lousy love life. My horoscope has been unrelenting of the fact that I apparently should be dating. You need to surround yourself with people today -- or at least spend plenty of time with one special person! Solitude is sometimes just what you need, but on a day like today, it's not helpful. Well, ya know what? I don't HAVE a 'special someone'. The one I consider my 'special someone' isn't interested in being it. So I'm loveless at the moment, stop telling me to go with them. Yes, I haven't kissed anyone since October, yes, it is driving me insane. STOP REMINDING ME.

Okay, I'm off to eat breakfast. Bye!

Now what?

2009-11-27T23:14:00.000-08:00

Liz Limburg November 23 at 1:58am
This isn't an apology, it's an explanation. I haven't been talking to you because every time I screw up in the least possible way, I get written off as a horrible bitch and told that everyone keeps telling you to write me off. I told you the plans for Halloween fell through before you came down, I know I did because I told everyone else at the same time and it was a mass IM. Yes, you still came down, and I made the mistake of not doing anything with you even though you came down. But I told you before it happened that I was going to spend the evening with Billy. I understand you being upset, but that doesn't mean everyone else has a right to jump in. Skie had absolutely no reason to message me saying that it was bullshit I tried. None. So I'm done. I try to make things right and fix them all the time, and when it doesn't work, I back off, I detach, and I apologise. Things get better then. But this time I'm not doing that. I'm not gonna detach this time. As much as I care about you, it's not worth getting hurt every time I mess up even a little bit. That's why I haven't spoken to you, that's why I haven't responded to anything. I can't do it. That's it.

Shannon Gemma November 23 at 8:24am
Thank-you for letting me know we're through. After six years of trying and fighting, thank-you for letting me know that you've given up. I have no control over anybody else but myself. I didn't know what Skie and Mum wrote until I saw it on here. Everything we went through, and I still can't say a harsh word about you.... Maybe I'm weak, I really don't know. But thank-you for letting me know that six years of my life just went down the tube. And good-bye Elizabeth....

Liz Limburg November 23 at 10:25am
I've been trying too, Shannon. But everytime I make the smallest mistake, it gets so blown out of porportion that I come off looking like a massive bitch, and end up apologising over and over for one little mistake. That's why I'm stopping. I'm not gonna spend all of my time apologising anymore. Every single apology was another detachment, another way to be numb. This way, at least I feel.

Shannon Gemma November 23 at 10:32am
Guess your friends are right about me then. I'm the reason you become detached. Sorry for ruining your life.... I really wish I could've been the one Lizzie.... I won't bother you anymore...

Liz Limburg November 23 at 10:54am
God, you didn't ruin my life, Shannon! You're not the only one who made it happen! EVERYONE I've ever apologised to has been the same way. I tell the truth, I look like a bitch, I take it back and draw back a bit more. That's how it works with me. I don't lie, and when I come off as a bitch for telling the truth, I take it back and stop telling it. It wasn't meant to make you think you ruined my life, I was telling you the honest truth. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry.

Shannon Gemma November 23 at 12:57pm
No Liz, I'm sorry. Because for years, people have been telling me I've changed you. I made you cut, I made you depressed. Fine, I'll take responsibility. I'm a bad thing that happens to good people. Cut me out and stop talking to me. It would probably be better for everyone if you did....

Liz Limburg November 23 at 6:51pm
You're not listening to what I'm saying. It wasn't just you, so don't try and make it all your fault. It's the fact that if I screw up even in the least, I become an instant bitch!

Shannon Gemma November 24 at 11:00am
If you were apologizing, why did you send me a message in the first place? Because the only thing I'm getting out of any of these messages is that you don't want me in your life anymore. If that is what it is, tell me and I'll do it.

Liz Limburg November 24 at 11:01am
I sent you a message to explain why I haven't been talking to you. I don't want to have to worry about becoming a complete bitch whenever I mess up even in the littlest sense of the word, and that's all that happens whenever I mess up with you. So I explained.

Shannon Gemma November 24 at 11:03am
So, your punishing me because everyone else flipped shit about Halloween?

Liz Limburg November 24 at 11:08am
I don't even know... It's like, I mess up even a tiny bit and everyone's instantly pissed off at me, so I end up apologising because I think I screwed up, and look back later and realize it's something I shouldn't have had to apologise for. I don't want to have to feel like a bitch for making tiny little mistakes anymore.

Shannon Gemma November 24 at 11:11am
I didn't get pissed off Liz. I was hurt, yes, but I wasn't pissed off. If this is your reaction to it, then maybe we really should stop trying... Because that last message you sent to my phone last night broke my heart and I don't know if I can go through that again.

Liz Limburg November 24 at 11:18am
I sent that because every time I try to explain what made me upset, you start saying you're gonna give up, and if you have to say it every time I explain, then what's to say you're not gonna just do it one of these times? I tried to make plans, the plans fell through, I understand you being upset, but I didn't do it to turn into a bitch to everyone else. I made the attempt, but when things fall through and I went with the failsafe plan, I ended up being told that I never tried and that I was a massive bitch because I "chose" to spend Halloween with Billy instead of you. And it's happened over other things too. It's complete bullshit, and whenever something like this happens and I explain, you say something about finally giving up.

Shannon Gemma November 24 at 11:26am
Then take it up with the people who pinned you into that light. And whenever you explain, it just doesn't make sense. Liz, I love you but I don't know what you want from me. Whenever I'm around, you conveniently can't spend time with me even if I'm there for you. What else am I suppose to think? And you know my mother can read me like a book. It isn't the first time we've had an issue. Only the last time we had a big issue, I was in bed of weeks feeling like I wanted to simply crawl out of my skin and never move again. So you decide. Because every time you tell me it's my choice, something bad happens.

Liz Limburg November 24 at 11:29am
I want things to not be complicated anymore, Shannon. If having a friendship is gonna be eternally complicated, then it might be better to not have it.

Shannon Gemma November 24 at 11:29am
Fine. Good-bye.

Liz Limburg November 26 at 8:51pm
........ Does it have to be complicated, always? Can it never just be a friendship?

Shannon Gemma November 26 at 8:53pm
After six years, no Liz. It can't. We stopped having 'just a friendship' at the end of the seventh grade.

Liz Limburg November 26 at 8:55pm
I know that, but... I don't want to lose you, but I don't know what else to do here.

Shannon Gemma November 26 at 8:58pm
Liz, you say that every time something like this happens and it seems that I'm finally going to walk away.... What are you even looking for?

Liz Limburg November 26 at 9:01pm
A friend? I can't do relationships, Shannon. Or anything close to one. But I want friendship. I understand it's never going to be simple, but I don't want it to feel like I'm ripping your heart into tiny little pieces everytime I make a mistake either.

Shannon Gemma November 26 at 9:15pm
Liz... I can't be just friends. I just can't. You have plenty of friends who have probably told numerous times that I'm useless or something similar and you seem to be doing fine with them. I've been as patient as I can but I can't do it anymore.

Liz Limburg November 26 at 9:22pm
... All those times I wanted to be more than friends, you told me you weren't ready for that. Now, I'm not ready and you can't handle it.

Shannon Gemma November 26 at 9:28pm
All the times you wanted to I was usually with someone. And then when I am, you aren't ready or some other excuse... I try and I wait. I've tried to be there for you as much as I can while having a life of my own ...

Liz Limburg November 26 at 9:31pm
I don't want you to stop your life for me, Shannon! I want a friendship, meaning I can talk to you without each word being overanalyzed. Everything doesn't always have a meaning in a friendship. I want to be able to share stuff with you without you thinking I'm trying to tell you something else. I want you to have your life, just like I have mine, and still know that I'm here when you need me and vice versa. A friend, Shannon. A friend. Like Billy. I love him too, in the same way. But he's still a friend. I want that.

Shannon Gemma November 26 at 9:52pm
No, Liz. You can't do this to me. You can't tell me you love me for five years and then turn around and say all you want is a friendship. It doesn't work that way.

Liz Limburg November 26 at 10:09pm
It's not that I don't love you, Shannon. But I can't do a relationship right now, I just can't. I have issues just hugging people right now, what do you expect me to do? I've tried kissing someone, and when I do, I freak out. You can't have a relationship without any of the physical part. What do you want me to do? I'm trying, but I can't do it yet.

Shannon Gemma November 26 at 10:18pm
Who are you trying to convince? Me or you? You had trouble even holding my hand when we went out, and I'm not here 9/10ths of the time because I'm away at college anyway. Our friendship is always going to be complicated Liz. And the problem is that I'm taking the first step into trying not to be at your beck and call. Because I've always answered you back, because whenever you needed me, I tried to be there but then when I left RI, you fell off the face of the planet unless I contacted you first. I love you Liz, more then it seems you really realize. I can't listen to Rent, Across the Universe.... Hell, I started crying when a commerical for wrestling came on the other day. I've been throwing myself into stress so that I don't have to think about it but at the end of the day, I lay in bed a force myself not to look and the pictures of you I have pinned to my wall.

Liz Limburg November 26 at 10:22pm
I just... I don't know, Shannon. I can't be in a relationship right now. I don't want to lose you, though.

Shannon Gemma November 26 at 10:33pm
You keep saying that... You've been saying that for, what? Two? Three? Four years? But it's been nothing but words... And words lose there meaning in time..

Liz Limburg November 26 at 10:34pm
It's not just words. We're just out of high school. I haven't even gotten to New York yet. We still have life left before we have to settle down. I want to live before I settle down.

Shannon Gemma November 26 at 10:45pm
I'm not asking you to settle down, Liz....

Liz Limburg November 26 at 10:47pm
Then what do you want me to do?

Shannon Gemma November 26 at 10:48pm
I don't know... I just want it to stop hurting. I haven't cried so much in the last six monthes then I have the last three or four days...

Liz Limburg November 26 at 10:49pm
So we're back where we started. Neither of us knows what we want to do, you're hurting, I'm detaching. Nothing's changing.

Shannon Gemma November 26 at 10:52pm
Then change something.

Liz Limburg November 26 at 10:53pm
Okay. I have a question for you. Define open relationship.

Shannon Gemma November 26 at 10:55pm
When your 'with' someone but are still able to date other people.

Liz Limburg November 26 at 10:56pm
Would you be interested in an open relationship?

What do I do now?

Six Years in Two Days

2009-11-23T10:22:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving vaca is coming up in two days. I'm going home for the long weekend, which means food, family and homework. I have three essays, all my moodle work and a painting to get done.. That and I'll be within a mile of the girl I gave six years of my life to, only to now be in this ongoing battle of her trying to make herself sound like a better person whilst telling me to bugger off. And me, being the obedient little girl, is taking every emotional blow that comes with it. The one person I really should stand up to is the one I refuse to... -_-'''' I'm such a moron.

Aerobics

2009-10-07T15:43:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday, I went to this aerobics thing in the student lounge at school, Aerobic Striptease with Carmen Electra. I was the only freshman and only girl with short hair and I had a BLAST. I'm sore now, but god was it fun!

Sunday Calling

2009-10-06T10:47:00.000-07:00

Hello all you little non-existents... (Because, seriously, who evens reads this thing anymore?) I shall be in RI on Saturday for the last Waterfire of the season! School is going well, I still don't like my English class... The teacher's nice, just.... Over analyzes the text..... WAAAAAAY over analyzes it...

So yeah, Lydia called me Sunday, from base, for the sole reason of 'breaking up' with me. "I don't think our relationship is going anywhere." Really, princess? I knew this BEFORE you decided to leave from Alabama, or where ever you are. Also found out from my brother that she's had her own cell phone for months, and from her that Sundays are call days. Every Sunday. And, she called me on someone else's phone. I mean, really? I have already moved on, hell, I've already been on a date and I'm going on another one. So, that totally blew up my weekend. And we're starting to paint for PCL today. I despise oil paints. DESPISE

But, that's all for now. Soks out.

Day 1

2009-05-23T04:02:00.000-07:00

Day 1 at Anime Boston = FANFUCKINGTASTIC!!!! Even though I was up for 19 hours and only got about 6 hours of sleep last night, I cannot wait for today. Why? Because today, I has money!!!

My cosplay as the Nekoneko mascot sort of failed as I got too warm in it. Gianni went to the Black Orchid Ball, so when she changed into her dress, I took her cosplay of Edward Elric. DX OMG that girl is skinny! I couldn't breathe in those pants, I couldn't bend over and I couldn't sit down!!! But Andrea got to wear my cosplay and the people at Artist's Alley loved it. My inner fashion designer did the butterbeer dance.

Today, I'm going as Nekozawa from Ouran High School Host Club. (See picture above.)

Pictures will be on Facebook soon!

2009-05-05T13:22:00.000-07:00

Guess who finished her paper by 4:15? I did! All six pages of the fucking thing! Guess who also doesn't have any staples? That's right, me. FML man...

2009-05-04T13:58:00.000-07:00

Went to my friend Barbie's sweet sixteen and had a lot of fun. I was the life of the party, dancing, DJing and laughing about the ballerina shaped soap bar that looks like a dildo.

Today I'm tired and sore from dancing. But hey, my birthday's in 4 days! I'm gonna be eighteen!!!

We had to do these dialogue things in Drama where we paired up and put our monologue topics together. My was about love being like a snow globe, Amira's was able sex. Needless to say that we got a large round of applause for our scene (as I naturally do since Drama I). Well, that's all for now!

90 Degrees

2009-04-28T17:11:00.000-07:00

I hate summer. This is not a little known fact. I don't deal well with heat and humidity and summer has a LOT of that. It's April. It was 90 fucking degrees out today. Thank GOD my school had AC. A majority of the students skipped school or were dismissed to go to the beach today. Are they crazy?!?! Sun + water= sunburn and bugs! It was enough to have to go outside in 79 degrees during fourth period to read our monologues. I got a bloody sunburn from that. Although i was the only one other then Amira to get applause for my monologue. So, go me.

2009-04-23T20:19:00.001-07:00

A whole lot of nothing went on today other then laundry. And I actually got dressed before three. But I woke up with a scratchy throat, the kind that doesn't hurt but really annoys you.

Niece

2009-04-22T18:31:00.001-07:00

I know, I'm posting twice in a day. Shocker! BUT!!!!

As of 9:36am on April 22, 2009 I am once again an auntie. That's right, Skie had her baby, Kaeli. She's beautiful! Both her and mommy are fine, if a little tired. *does happy dance*

2009-04-22T07:09:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone (meaning Alek and the occasional parent)! I'm on my fifth day of spring vacation and many things have already happened. I got accepted into both NESOP and Montserrat and have to decide which one I wanna go to by May 1st. Fun. Skie's in the hospital at the moment to get a c-section due to some complications with the baby. Luckily, this one is a little closer to the due date. I am no longer on speaking terms with Graham, the infamous 'Cracker' among my family, due to a text and my being fed up with his lack of a spine. I'm going to end that there so I don't go into a boring rant.

Graduation and my birthday are coming up fast. I am going to my prom, thanks to Blackbear. Brandon went to court yesterday and is a ward of the state. One call to DCYF and he's out of my mother's hand. Well done there..*eye roll*

Got to hang out with people and what not. Need to call FSAFA and finish my scholarship application from Eastern Bank. Too much to do. I wanna try going over to Salem at some point this week, just to hang out and window shop (still haven't found a job though it's be pointless to now that I'm moving in June temporarily back to my mother's). Anyway, I'm going to go eat breakfast now that I've been up for over two hours!

2009-03-23T18:21:00.000-07:00

With graduation on it's way, my eighteenth birthday in only five weeks.. One might think life's going pretty good for me. Accept my brother broke his court-order curfew tonight and is going to be getting arrested. And guess where he is? My girlfriend's house. Right now, I'm surprised I haven't started crying. I've been on the verge of tears a lot lately, but when I actually find something to cry about, they don't come. I'm so sick of this shit.. My family's been on the verge of falling apart ever since my grandmother died about twelve years ago.. Now it's toppled. I haven't talked to my mom since she called asking if my dad was home and he's pretty much disowned my brother now.

I want nothing to do with family anymore.. At least at the moment. It's another snow globe that's pretty to look at but always breaks when you touch it; much like love.

Bad Day

2009-03-03T12:47:00.001-08:00

Today started out with waking up early and a nice hot shower. Dressing nicely and all that jazz. Then I had to wait for the bus in the snow, tripped in gym, going over new stuff in math that I don't get, got reminded that I have a research paper I haven't even started due in two days, found out that I may not be able to go to prom and my application for the Point Foundation scholarship got rejected. I don't have my license yet, we don't have the money for driver's ed and I can't find a job. I'm graduating this year and I've never felt more worried about the world. I keep thinking that I'm gonna end up sitting behind a desk or worse, a stay-at-home mom stuck in this failing country and never gonna get out. What scares me isn't the real world, it's the prospect that I'm going to be stuck in a place I never wanted to be. That I'll never get out of this country, that I'll never effort college, that Ill never get to be a photographer....

What scares me is that I'm going to be tucked away from the real world under Obama's plan to flush this country down the toilet and never getting out.

2009-01-31T11:25:00.000-08:00

So, today we started building the set for our Drama Festival play, The Caucasian Chalk Circle. It's going to be a wooden playground and WOW. I got to the school this morning at 8:52 and was the first one to start working. I made five legs, screwed several legs into the four-foot and six-foot platforms and assisted in the hinging of the stairs. It was fun, even when I burnt my finger on the hot drill bit. I'm still kinda covered in sawdust.

Yesterday, I had a panic attack in gym. Why? I don't know, but I did try to get through the rest of the day only to have my drama class jump at me when I walked into class with a "You look sick. Are you okay?" thing. I left before the end of fourth period. Today, I'm sore all over but don't know why but feeling better.

I still need help with a V-day gift. If you have any ideas, please comment!

Ta-da

2009-01-27T13:18:00.001-08:00

Hello all. I'm terribly sorry about my complete lack of posting lately, life kind of got in the way.

I guess I left off in December, with my hatred of Twilight. For those who hardly hear anything from me, I am dating again. This time I'm with my friend Lydia, someone I've been trying to get together with since freshmen year. I've been doing well in school, nothing below a 77 yet which is surprisingly good for me. I am also participating in the Drama festival with Stage One. We had to change the play from Korczak's Children to The Caucasian Chalk Circle just last week due to a situation with our lead that has been smoothed over.

Now, here is the beginning of my gripe since it is already January 27th, and Valentine's Day is approaching. Does anyone have any ideas on what I could get my girlfriend? I don't like the obviously Hallmark holiday, but I haven't been able to really celebrate until now and I wanna do something nice without it being too expensive (I have still yet to find a job). Help!

Twilight

2008-12-03T16:01:00.000-08:00

A guy online today told me that Twilight was a good book.. That book sucked so much major ass that the world is running out of pack animals...

One Should Know Better

2008-11-17T17:55:00.001-08:00

If you know me, then you know how I am when it comes to food. Specifically, dessert. ESPECIALLY when it comes to something that has chocolate and peanut butter. Well, my father of all people should defiantly know you DO NOT get between me and my Moose Tracks mud pie dessert from Bugaboo Creek. Which is why he has little holes in his knuckles on his left hand. >:)

That's all for right now. I'm getting over my cold and getting bugged about whether o not I'm gonna take Blackbear to my prom. I feel kinda bad 'cause he wanted to take me to his but my ex wouldn't let him. *tear* Okay, I'm over it.. XD I need to do my homework, I can't remember everything about the Canterbury Tales from last year!

Over and Done

2008-11-07T12:52:00.000-08:00

So my English MCAS testing is over and my Math MCAS starts nest week. Yay...

My sister seems to be having a lot of problems with her in laws and husband. She's due in April and I'm really tempted to adopt the baby myself if it survives when I turn eighteen but... *sigh*

But on a lighter note, sort of, I broke up with my boyfriend Matt a little while ago. We just weren't really couple-like, more like friends who occasionally made out. So we spilt up with no hard feelings, in fact he makes even MORE fun of me. XP However, on Wednesday I got asked out by one of my friends, and said yes. Well, technically I said suore, but that's details. She's really sweet and funny. We hang out after school on Thursdays and during lunch so I actually get to see her. God it is so good to be dating a girl again. :D

Life's Roller-coaster

2008-10-21T12:53:00.000-07:00

I have... nothing at the moment really. It's been getting wicked cold lately and I might be getting sick.. That's really all the news I have to share, nothing else of real interest lately other then my bf getting my dad and me hockey tickets to last night's game at the garden. Bruins lost to the Penguins 2-1, but I had fun.

Time to Move On

2008-10-10T13:09:00.000-07:00

Well, I got to go to Hooters and I may have a new boyfriend. I'm not sure, we're both quite indecisive and I think it needs a it more time to sink in. But he's a pretty good kisser and he's very comfortable to hug. He's also very easy to talk to and he thinks I'm weird but in an interesting way.

And Graham is very jealous of this fact. And I'm finding that my patience with him has been running thinner and thinner lately. At this point, I'm finding the want to hurt him, break down his self-esteem but I'm going to. One, I'm an emotional-dump.. I listen to everybody's venting and ranting and just let them pile it on me. And two, he's doing it enough to himself that my words will do nothing. All I can say to his jealousy and angry words is that, I frankly don't care. I've been through so many heart breaks that his... tantrum just seems so fucking childish. On Twitter he put, and I quote, "Girls are complex creatures. Why do they think you care about the new guy in their life?" I have an answer. Graham.. YOU wanted to remain friends. As a friend, I listen to your stories of what goes on in your life. It is only fair that you sit an listen to mine. You can think I'm a bitch, you can cuss me out, damn me to whatever level of hell you wish. I DON'T CARE. Your jealousy is based on the sole fact that I've done this so many times, I've been through so much shit on a romantic level, that my wounds heal faster then yours. This was your first big, hard one and I know how that feels. I still feel that way about my first one but seriously. You are nineteen years old, GROW THE FUCK UP. Now these are merely assumptions, but to be honest, if you cannot act like an adult about this situation, I'm not dealing with it. I've been working with children for years and I've rarely ever seen such immature action. Even from Mat.

Anyway, hope everyone has a good long weekend!

Providence Street Painting Festival

2008-10-05T16:18:00.000-07:00

So, Saturday was the Providence Street Painting Festival, the second one I've entered. This year I, with my brother's help, did an eye. The winners haven't been posted yet and I wasn't there for the high school placing, so I have to wait to see who won. This was my entry, it took two and a half hours to complete.

After waiting three hours, my brother and I decided to head home and caught the 99 and walked a mile to my friend Liz's house. There I crashed on her couch for fifteen minutes trying not to fall asleep. Then I called my mom to see if she could come pick us up 'cause we were tired. Instead, my mom, Liz (her friend Liz) and Liz's daughter came and we all went to Water Fire. I was really tired after the whole day and after we got some dinner, we went to go find the car. As we waved through the crowds and along the route of WaterFire, I kind lagged behind. Being at WaterFire again was... weird. The last time I'd been I was still dating Graham. I was feeling kinda empty and my throat was constricting so I couldn't talk when my mom asked if I was alright.

After we walked for a bit, I thought I was under control until I saw the tourist dock. It was mostly empty and I started crying. That was where we'd sat the only time we'd gone to WaterFire. I saw a guy on a boat throwing flowers and started to cry harder and harder as I listened to the music and remembered the night. That was when I actually sunk in, a month and a half later and it took a WaterFire for me to really realize that I was no longer with him. I cried most of the way home, feeling frozen as we drove back, stopping to get me ice cream before getting dropped off at home. I didn't even attempt to eat even when my mom told me to grab a spoon. I just went to bed, wrapped myself in layers of blankets and darkness and went to sleep.

Today I went to a baby shower with my dad and felt kinda weird. I only knew him and the preggo and there were lots of little kids running around and talking. I felt extremely awkward. But now I'm tired and hungry and I'm gonna go see if I can get my dad to bring me to Hooters so I can delve in fried pickles...

The Life..

2008-10-03T07:10:00.001-07:00

...is complicated. I've been in Mass for six-ish weeks and a lot has happened. My mother has two bulging discs in her neck and will most likely have to go for surgery. I got my permit and I've only driven once since that. I started PVMHS in September and slowly made friends. Once I dyed my hair green, everyone and I mean EVERYONE knew who I was. I have several freshmen friends who adore art as much as I do and two guys I'm potentially interested in. One, Matt, is a little different because he wanted to get to know me as soon as he saw me, thinking I was the most interesting person in the state. The other, Alviro (sp?), is in my Algebra class and sat down while the teacher was out for the Jewish holidays and we had a large, lengthy discussion about religion and fiction vs nonfiction. So, that's always good.

On another note, a few weeks ago, my father went riding on his motorcycle (the DAY after he got his license) with my uncle. They were out of forty five minutes when a squirrel ran out of yard and into my uncle path. Now squirrels to a motorcycle are like ice to a car, so he stopped to avoid it. My father was behind him and attempted to swerve to avoid hitting my uncle. This happened a fraction too late and his bike caught the saddle bag. The bike stopped and fell but my father kept going. He walked away with a broken collar bone and a scraped knee. Which is fun since his car is a standard and I don't know how to drive one. X_X We're getting a Volvo later today that's an automatic so I can practice.

Also, I have the Providence Street Painting Festival tomorrow, my second one to be in. I'm rather excited because I might have a 4 x 8 instead of a 4x4 this year.. Yay!

My First Energy Drink

2008-08-17T21:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, so today was my ex-girlfriend/best friend's birthday party. I went to her house at around 4:30-ish and played with her little sister MJ (soooo cute!). When our dear friend Alek arrived, the three of us headed down to the basement and played cards (Spoons and Egyptian Rat Screw) and I totally kicked ass! After pizza, ice cream and several jokes, it was suddenly 7:30 and we had to go to the bowling alley.

OH. MY. GOD. When her girlfriend got there, all hell broke loose and we had a blast. Both Julie and Liz are addicted to an energy drink called Nos, but Julie is going to be quitting energy drinks, so tonight was her last night. And she decided to go out with a bang. Well, we started out with three cans. Alek, Julie and Liz all drink Nos, and I don't drink energy drinks due to the caffeine that has a reverse affect on me. However, Liz noticed I was a little eh because the last time I went bowling was with my ex-boyfriend and I'm not quite together from that yet. So she told me to take a sip.

We were bowling for about three hours, in less then that, the four of us finished ten cans of Nos (each can equals 2 servings of energy drink) and we were hyped up so badly that we were getting loud, people started staring at us and the pyramid of empty Nos cans we had on our table. I will be putting up the pictures we took of said pyramid when I get them. Thank-you to my brother who supplied us with our tenth can to complete the pyramid and the two other cans that Alek and I took home.

So, after five hours of non-straight mad-house fun, I am at home and unable to sleep. This is a problem because I have to register for my new school later today and take my written permit test so that I can start my journey to becoming a Mass-hole. I have to leave the house with my mother by seven o'clock. Sooo...yeah...

Chacktastic Time

2008-08-15T10:48:00.000-07:00

Sooooo.... My mother is still in pain and the meds she was given aren't helping much. She called our friend Dave, the one who owns Circe, and asked if he had any pain-killers left over from his gallbladder surgery. He brought them over and took me to BJ's to get my mum some english muffins and me a gallon of pickles. After we got back, I started making my grape-flavored kool-aid pickles! Dave gave me a funny look and said, "Grape-flavored pickles..that's interesting and disturbing."

But anyway, I had a talk with my boyfriend and I think it's time to call it quits. He's probably the only reading this and since he's signed off and I don't have the energy or time to agrue with him on the phone (thanks to my mother's Torticollis). I've made my decision. Good times or not, I can't stay with someone whose words alone can make me feel like an ashamed, filthy whore.

Summer Blues

2008-08-14T18:38:00.000-07:00

Haven't written in so long, I wonder if anyone even checks my blog anymore. I've been out of commission most of the summer due to cleaning and packing which I'm still putting off. In case anyone reading doesn't know, I'm going to be moving in with my father for the first time in my life. I've been putting off packing because, I hate to pack! I'm a pack-rat and have way too much shit in my room but I don't want anyone to help me pack, because I like my stuff where it is.

In other news, I had to play nurse today for my mother when she woke up in severe pain. After she told us she couldn't drive to work, I told her she should go to the ER. I was originally going to be going to Newport today to wander about and go see the Breakers but she asked me to stay. So I stayed and after the doctor's office told her to go to the Er, I called Pam and she drove us to Memorial Hospital. After a little more then two hours of waiting and Olympic games on the telly, she handed me the papers she got from the doctor. She has either a pinced nerve or Torticollis, a virual infection. Leave it to my mother to be the 1 in 1,000 cases to have severe symptoms. So I didn't go to Newport today, instead playing nursemaid for my mum.

This was actually a somewhat lucky break for me, as my boyfriend didn't know I was home and therefore didn't bother me. We got into a heated conversation about expressing each others feeling, something I do not do well verbally, and he assumed that I thought sex was the only way of expressing how much someone means to me. It was about 11 o'clock to midnight, I was tired, hungry and getting angry. Am I wrong in assuming that if he had to ask, he most obviously missed the smiles, expressions, cuddles, hugs and kisses? I've told him before I have issues with letting out my feelings, I grew up having to bottle them up and comfort other people, sucking up their feelings and emotions as well as my own. But he hasn't called or talke to me via IM, so I'm guessing he's avoiding me because I want an answer. Because if this is going to continue, him hiding after asking a hairy question and recieving a hairy answer, I'm not putting up with it. The headache is just not worth it; and if this is what it boils down to, his acting like a typical self-concious girlfriend, I'm done.

Anyway, cheerio! I've got much to do and less time to do it in!

Heat Commotion

2008-06-09T13:43:00.000-07:00

I know i haven't written anything in a while, but school had me going along with other things.

So, first off i'd like to say that it's like 100 degrees outside and I've got a terrible head cold on top of my heat intolerence and my dizzy spells. Yay frikkin' me.

Thrusday was my chrous's concert. It was fantastic even though a few of the girls were getting sick and I didn't get to have my solo. I knew my chrous teacher couldn't learn it in a week, he's not actually a pianist, he plays the clarinet. But it went awesome and I had a great time even though my father tried to drown me by cracking a joke while I was drinking water. Watermelonwatermelonwatermelon.....

On Saturday, I helped my cousin move into her new house/apartment that her school got for faculty. She works at this amazing boarding school up in northern Mass., for kids with learning disabilities. If only we had the money ($50-60,000 per year) to send my brother there. Then after the tour of her school and the moving done, we went into the pool then got some pretty good ice cream.

Yesterday, I started getting sick but not too bad. My mom dragged me into Attleboro to get a rat in order to feed Circe. We ended up going to Dots in which my mother volunteerily bought some clothes for herself and found out that her 'normal size' is now too big. I also obtained a pair of plaid slacks and a really pretty white vest. Then, we ducked into TJ Max to get me a pair of thongs (flip-flops). My mother tried to leave without getting a rat.
Once we had Circe's lunch, we drove home and I brought the thing upstairs. To which i found the snake completely coiled up in her water pan with only her nose sticking out for air. The tank was over 120 degrees. I turned off all her lights and plopped the rat in, then went to get more water for her pan. When i came back into the room, i had to stay still and watched as she struck the rat and killed it. It was pretty awesome, but I am a rather stragne person, so I found the rat's screams interesting.

Anyway, yeah. I had to be escorted down to the nurse this morning at school. The nurse had worked at the middle school and knew my brother very well. She's on a first name basis with our mother. But I waited in the office after signing out because it's one of only three rooms in the entire building that has A/C, sitting on the "bench". The benches in the office are where the kids who get kicked out of class sit. When my guidance cousler saw me sitting there, she gave me a funny look and asked if I'd gotten kicked out. I told her "No, I'm sick and its nice in here." So she laughed, told me to feel better and left. It was halfway through second period when I got picked up.
I've been fiddling around the house, trying to rest and drink tea and inhale steam to make me feel better. I till feel like I wanna faint/die.

Roarth

2008-05-27T14:33:00.000-07:00

So, this weekend was interesting...

On Saturday, I went over to my boyfriend's to go to the RISD Museum. Unfortunately, by the time we walked downtown (I insisted on walking and it took 45 minutes) there was less than an hour to closing time. So we mosied on over to the CVS, grabbed some water and walked back. After an intense game of Magic tiki mini golf and much convincing, I was able to get my boyfriend to go to Waterfire with me. I had a really nice time with him just watching the fires and catches carnations from a guy dressed as a revolutionary on a boat. I also got a blue glowstick. I was very surprised that I walked 12 miles that day (6 miles the first trip, 6miles the second).

On Sunday, I went to church and a surprise prisoner exchange took place with my twin and I. While my mom went to the choral concert, We walked to my boyfriend's and I helped his mom get ready for the graduation for her school (she's a teacher). Then at about noon yesterday, we got driven down to Charlestown. We went to a cookout, then to my twin's boyfriend's house. There we played video games and watched Dogma (which has Alan Rickman in it!!!!!) After which we got ice creams and headed back to the house.

Her dad drove me back up this morning (we left at six-ish) and I went to school. I had motion sickness from the ride most of the day and i was dead tired. After school I went to the library for my GSA movie night meeting, in which NOBODY SHOWED UP. I waited for twenty minutes, but nope. Now its dinner time!!!!!

Bowling Prom

2008-05-18T08:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my boyfriend's senior prom. So, we got dressed up, took tons of pictures and went bowling. He doesn't like dances, so we decided to go East providence Lanes. It was a double date with my little brother and his air-head girlfriend, and we all had a great time. We got home around 11ish and they didn't leave 'til past midnight. We also finished watching Stardust, which my boyfriend saw for the first time.

Last night, I had a very odd dream. A group of people were at this house including my boyfriend, my ex-girlfriend and me. There were fifty-millions things going on at once, including mugs of hot chocolate, coffee and tea being past around. I don't remember much of it. But one thing really stuck in my mind. The three of us were in a car, my boyfriend in the driver's seat, my ex in the passenger seat and i was in the backseat. I looked up to see them kissing. This erked me because 1) my ex is a lesbian and 2) it was just wrong.... I waved my hand breaking it up and pointed at her yelling, "No! Lesbian, No!" And she just gave me a look that plainly said, "What's your problem?"

In the Way of the Door

2008-05-12T14:39:00.000-07:00

Life's on a middle note at the moment. I'm at a strange place of relationship status. I've pretty much given up on Liz, she's happy being a hallow shell so let her be that way. I only wish people would quit treating me like her girlfriend/keeper. That's Julie's job, hasn't been mine in over a year. She has a commitment problem, she trampled on my heart and I'm finished trying to make things work, whether it be a relationship or a friendship.

I went to Anime Club and Alek practically poured his heart out to me. I think it's cute, the crush he has. But I also think it's sad that the guy doesn't love him back. I need to look up some stuff for him to try. Poor thing, I know how he feels.

Anyway, I'm gonna get to go bowling on Saturday with Graham. I'm going in a prom dress and I need to ask Graham to still get a corsage. (My dad's idea) And be obnoxious enough to go bowling like that. XD

Ice Cream Makes Everything Better

2008-05-03T12:48:00.000-07:00

So, as of April 29th I'm single. I met my now ex-boyfriend at KP and we got ice cream on Thayer street. Then I broke up with him over ice cream, and he handled it really well. I kept hugging him the entire afternoon and we are definately going to be staying friends. Which makes me feel loads better that I finally have had a civil break up. I finaly just told Liz to grow-up and haven't talked to her since, it's actually been quite relieving not interacting with her. I feel much less stressed out now and its great! But Krissy, Mary and I are going out tonight for my birthday Girls Night Out and then we're all going to Country Buffet for my birthday dinner tomorrow. my mom scolded me for picking a non-diet friendly place and I smiled. All you can eat, because people keep telling me I've lost weight and making me feel skinny. And when I feel skinny, I eat. People may think it's weird, but I don't strave myself to lose weight. I eat alot, no matter what. I just eat healthy and the fact I don't really like junk food or potatoes helps a LOT. But I have my monthly friend, meaning I'm going to be wolfing down cheesecake tonight. XD

Break the Silence, Heal Some Lives

2008-04-26T16:01:00.000-07:00

So, the wireless router for my house died and we all have to use my mom's computer in order to get online. The three of us haven't shared a computer in quite sometime so this could get interesting.

Anyway, yesterday was my high school's Jr. Prom and it was the Day of Silence for the GLBT community. It was also the Breaking the Silence dance at Youth Pride Inc. So, I went to the dance at YPI instead of my Jr. Prom and had a blast. A) it was completely free, B) everyone was super nice and NOBODY was straight, C) I met a very cute/shy girl named Brittany, and D) had a date, Armando. It was such a great night and I'm sore today from dancing so much.

Today, I cleaned my room. HOLY CRAP I wish I had before and after pictures!!!! You can see the floor, I can get to my storage drawers and my desk is CLEAN. I just need to spray Frebreeze because even though i cleaned the rabbit's cage, it still smells in my room. I also helped my mom repot the plants, something we were gonna do last weekend. BUT... after cleaning the rabbit's cage, i took her outside so she could run around. My yard is small and there are spaces in the fences at the back that she can get through so I had to follow her around.. She didn't want to come back inside, so I carried her by the scruff of the neck after this happened...

Still Here

2008-04-18T20:36:00.000-07:00

So I stayed home Friday before vacation with parental constent. I then got to spend the entire week with my Friend Kate, whom I rarely get to see. I also got to hang out with Sami, Ann-Marie, Andrew, NaTai, Charles and Gordon as well as Kate on Thursday in an odd sort of game-night which was very fun. I got to see Gordon go int lynx-mode and his ribcage expand whic was wicked awesome! Today was spent with Momma Shea sewing and helping Gordon and Kate clean out the old pen since Buck died. I got to hang out with my school-friends on Monday at Anime Club and hung out with my boyfriend on Friday(last) and Sunday. I like nom-noms..... I have Womensphere tomorrow morning so I should be getting to bed.

Oh, wait, family news flash! Charlotte died on Monday, bu they don't know why. She had gas bubbles but it shouldn't have killed her. She was only two years old and had a seizure. Also, my father and step-mother are getting a divorce. Poor Krissy was scared that we (my brother and I) wouldn't want anything to do with her after they spilt up. This is definitely not the case because she's a part of our family an she's held me through a lot. If you read this, I love you Krissy.

Busy Week

2008-03-26T18:26:00.000-07:00

So on Monday was Anime Club wher Liz and I patched trhings up and I scared Graham half to death by tellinghim of my secret depression that isn't so secret anymore.but, Tuesday I got sic and didn't want to eat so I went home early and did soe yard work. Today, I did the Day of Silence for Peace Wek to help promote non-violence in the community and spent the afternoon at my boyfriend's. We made waffles and his mom's car brke down. So Khin's mom gave me a ride home. and me, being an air-head, forgot my cell phone and lunch number at his house.

Tomorrow I have Chior practice after school and I have to go to a eace rally on Friday with Liz. Full week plus a meeting on Monday to restart the GSA. PLUS i've been leavig the house at 6:30 in the morning to get to school because Mum stll can't drive and I'm gonna end this now because I can't think of anyting else to say...

OH MY GAWD!

2008-03-22T04:42:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday I woke up at 6:53 so the my stepmother and I could go to the Hynes Convention Center where Anime Boston was being held. But instead, she didn't even wake up until 8:40 and we didn't leave for Anime Boston until noon. We got to the convention center at 1:30 and finally found the end of the line for registration. We were in Exhibit Hall B, standing in line, for 3 hours with the weirdest group of people behind us. One of the guys named Adam got drafted into the staff due to his being a regular and most of the volunteers never showed up. So after 3 hours of waiting in line we got to... stand in another line!!! So as we're waiting in line, two of the weird guys behind us start playing Go http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Go_(board_game). When we FINALLY rounded the corner, we were in another line! It seems that our line (as there were two) went out of the hall, down a corridor, through the main lobby and around the circle thing at the front to another corner. So after FIVE AND A HALF HOURS of waiting in line, Krissy and I called it quits and left to go get food at the Cheesecake Factory. Here is a map of how we were for 5 1/2 hours. <<--

Yeah... But we did meet some pretty cool and pretty scary people while in line. Unfortunately I didn't get a picture of the guy behind us, but I did get one of the girls we hung out with too.

Procrastination and Anime Cons

2008-03-20T17:34:00.000-07:00

Okay, so today started out as an alright day. I got to school early for once, got to see a few people, yadda-yadda-yadda. Well, about the middle of first period, I got a bad feeling which sky-rocketed into a moderate panic attack that lasted until my aunt came to pick me up. Needless to say, I didn't do much work today. I didn't even attempt to pay attention in Record Keeping and read the book Liz lent to me yesterday most of the day. I finished it when i got home.

Luckily, my aunt got lost and when she finally showed up, it was the highlight of my day due to an event that happened last night and the conversation when we tried getting to Walgreens. But, what happened last night was that my aunt and I were home watching NCIS and she tried to call 411 to get info about the hospital my mom was at. She misdialed and ended up calling 911 but hung up almost immeditaly. I never knew that officers came to the houses to check on the calls. So i ended up answering the door to find a police officer standing on our step, looking at him with the biggest 'WTF!?!' look on my face ever. Today, we were driving behind a police car and I lended in to see if it was our guy, but the officer in the car had hair. Our guy didn't.

But other then that and our delightful trip to Walgreens, it was a rather boring day.

Spring Equinox Ahead

2008-03-16T16:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was fun, I got my room cleaned in under an hour and Graham came over. Then we went to see Horton Hears A Who, where Jim Carrey plays the voice of Horton the Elephant and Jesse MaCarthey plays the voice of Jojo. The movie was frikkin' AWESOME!!! Then we came back to the house and had a play of sorts where everyone stayed up 'til one in the morning...

Today I read a passage for service (church) and I brought my rabbit to church with me. I kinda felt bad for the little kid sitting behind me because the box Nox was in shook everytime she moved or she'd scrath the sides of the box. The poor kid, I think his name was Zachary, and his mom kept looking at it like something large and hairy was gonna pop out of it at any second. But everyone was excited when Mereidith asked me what was inside the box and I opened it to reveal the rabbit.

Everyone adored Equinox and I suspect she may have had fun too. (Even though she masks it well) But then I wrote my essay and the day's been creeping by slowly, which is what I love about Sundays. Circe ate, which is good. But Brandon's been annoying me all day about being bored.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY EVERYBODY!!!

Surprise

2008-03-12T15:52:00.000-07:00

So, I didn't have school today due to it being the end of the trimester. So, I took the bus and went to the Met. Alex, Katrina and Anthony were there when I got there. Soon came Eric, Amy Blackbear and finally my boyfriend. When he spotted him walking in, Blackbear yelled "HIDE" and blocked me from veiw. When he walked over and set his stuff down, Blackbear moved and I stood up. Excitment was written all over his face so I'm guessing he was pretty happy to see me.

As the day went on, Katrina went to Amy's XO and I 'helped' Graham with his autobiography (okay, more like hovered over him until he did it). But he now only has four more pages left to do and I proof read it. One section made me laugh as he described where he'd like to be in the future (20 years or so). He wrote that he would like to live in a white or brown two story house in Rhode Island and have a wife. The part that I found most amusing was what he wrote down what his wife would be like; he wrote something along these lines:

She will be kind and easy to talk to; we'll like a lot of the same movies but still be different because it would be boring if we were the same. And she won't dye her hair weird colors (like pink or rainbow or anything like that).

Now, the reason I find this so humorous is because this is basically a describation of me. Yet he wrote this beore he even met me. The only part that isn't true is the last staement about hair; My hair was fading out of my second dye-job of pink hair when I asked him out. But as I was proof-reading, there was a section on me. I couldn't help but smile when reading it because I was so flattered by it.

That's all for today, but as a treat (I know, it's been awhile) I'll give you.... a Harry potter artist! She draws funny stuff so here ya go: http://acciobrain.ligermagic.com/accioindex2.php

Cold-Shoulder

2008-03-10T18:40:00.000-07:00

So, I had a pretty good day for the most part. Had classes, watched Shakespeare, went to anime club. I'm trying to see if I can go to Anime Boston to help promote Stick School and what not. I went to Target, then Borders and I got Science Olympiad tomorrow.

But I'm having my anger realpse and ish not good. So, later!

Hard Thinking

2008-03-06T18:22:00.000-08:00

Alright, ever since this morning I've been thinking about the whole drop-out-and-get-my-GED thing. And the more I think about it, the more it makes sense to me. My grades are fine, yes, but with the way I work, I'll end up having some sort of nervous breakdown or do something stupid to land myself in Butler. No matter where I go to school, I know I will feel confined and feel like I want to skip or slack. I know I can't do these things in the "real world" but I wanna try my hand at this "real world". Maybe I won't be able to get along, maybe I will. I don't know, but for once I wanna jump without far and without seeing where I'm going. I'll think about it some more... But Liz has told me that it is my choice, they can't legally MAKE me go because I'm sixteen and can legally drop-out. The only issue is what my parents will think of it all. School is staring to feel like a choke-hold instead of a learning experience. Like I have to in order to make something of myself. I feel like I need to prove that I can live happily without having to sit in a classroom, bored to tears and miserable or have misused freedom and be frantic to earn a diploma that will supposedly make me a better and happier person. I honestly do think that it is a load of bullshit.I'm willing to take my GED and start building myself up in the world. High school is a drama I want no part of, a drama that makes me feel like my life is going to end up in ruins.

Winding Around

2008-03-06T06:50:00.000-08:00

I'm currently in school, in the computer lab and have nothing to do for the last few minutes as i already finished up my task for Record keeping. This is one of the few unblocked websites on the school network as devinantart is listed under games for some reason. Oh well.

Well, its only three more school days until the end of the trimester and everyone is running around like chickens with their heads and wings cut off. I'm watching it in some sort of slow motion. No exams, just... tasks for portfolios and cover sheets that I can't read or understand. It's so weird, this idea of portfolios. Why did they change it? I have no idea, but we haveto have a portfolio and credits in order to graduate from a Rhode Island high school. With all these tasks, I miss the Met even more. All the kids running around getting essays together reminds me of exibitions and I miss getting up and presenting my work. I got a chance to do that in Chorus class (because there is no such thing as Show Choir anymore) and it made me feel happy to present. I've been itching to writing, but not about Sir Gawain or Macbeth like I have to here. But i want to do what the Met seniors are doing so they can graduate. Writing autobiographies and valadictorian speeches, making STP's that affect the community and helping each other out in college appilications and requirements of portfolios themselves. Even if I can only go back for my senior year, I'll be happy to work with people I know care that I know I can ask for help and not feel weird or shy about doing it. I think it would be a relief to not have to sit in a class you don't want. I even want to take a college class right now, maybe about religous history or women's rights because I feel the need to vent out in an essay something that I can't do in my British Lit. class.

I wonder where one gets a GED... Because this schooling crap is getting on my nerves too. I want to go out in the world already. I know I'm not actually ready but i just feel like the ideal of high school is holding me back. Between passing and failing and being happy and miserable; I just feel fed up with it all. In Japan, they only have three years of high school but in America they have four. I feel ready to be out in the world, to see things, to learn in a different way, to learn what i want to so I can get a job that I love. I know that a diploma is good to have and i'm doing fine in school. But I'm think I'm done.. I think I'm fed up with school...

Misery of Regrets

2008-03-02T15:43:00.000-08:00

Okay so, my mom's car died and I have to get up earily just to get to school on time with the city bus. I'm kinds freaking out because I was late last Thrusday and it was the first time I was that late. My freiends and family make a little bit of fun at me due to the change of schools. But today it really hit me hard with my boyfriend over AIM.

I was looking at bus times and he was kidding around about me having to get to school at 7:40 instead of nine. I was already pissed of at my brother because he eats everything in sight, can't cook and then complains there's nothing to eat. But, although I know it was innocent, I couldn't take the joke about my switching schools and kinds blew up. I broke down crying (still am) and I realize why it hurts so much. The Met was more of a home away from home where I didn't have to worry about home where I usually hide in my room away from everyone. And Tolman, although I have friends there, feels like a prison where you are forced to work, do things you don't want to and the teachers don't really care. The Met was my family, and better family that I can exist in rather then hide from. And I feel miserable not being there. And it's not just my boyfriend as the reason. The staff, my other friends, and the general understanding just made me feel like I was a part of the action instead of just going to classes and feeling left out of everything.

But, as I told my boyfriend, I already know what'll happen if I ask to go back:
graham_hall@mac.com (6:47:18 PM): Maybe you could get through this year at Tollman and go back to the Met in the fall?
graham_hall@mac.com (6:47:25 PM): about how you're feeling
sokpoppet (6:48:09 PM): i can't transfer again
sokpoppet (6:48:33 PM): the Met doesn't take in seniors and my parents won't let me
graham_hall@mac.com (6:49:06 PM): My advisor Joe left the met and then came back his senior year
sokpoppet (6:49:30 PM): my parents won't let me
graham_hall@mac.com (6:50:01 PM): Talk to them, let them know how you feel.
sokpoppet (6:50:32 PM): that's the problem, i know what's gonna happen no matter what
graham_hall@mac.com (6:50:54 PM): no you don't you, can't know unless you try
sokpoppet (6:52:29 PM): yes i do, my mom's going to give her "I told you so" and "suck it up and deal" speeches, my dad's gonna blatenly agree with her and my stepmother's gonna go with them but feel bad about it

So, that's my stuff for today... Catch up later...

Down With The Sickness

2008-02-29T17:51:00.000-08:00

I have no idea what I've got, but it doesn't seem to be contagious. I'm constantly tired, I've had a headache for two days and I get dizzy if I look a certain way or get up/turn my head at the wrong pace. And it's not just too fast, its if I do it too slow or normally as well. I spent today watching movies and drawing. I watched the Leap Day morning politics and then moved to the living room to watch Lady and the Tramp, 101 Dalmatians, Pinochio, The Mummy Returns, The Road to El Derado and The Sword in the Stone. Meanwhile, I attempted to draw a character that slipped into my dream last night called Kreature who was in leage with Voldemort and could turn into a purple dragon because of a ring she wore. I was seeing this through Kreature's eyes and she had to kill Harry Potter only to try and defeat Voldemort. She somehow got Harry to crawl under an eightteen wheeler and slid into a spare tire naked. Of course, this was after seeing Dumbledore in a candy shop downstairs and shoving a cup of jello/yogurt into Harry's face and threating with a plastic spoon. I think the coolest thin about Kreature is that she could lift the eighteen wheeler as a human with ease.

But yeah, I'm suppose to be hanging out with Graham tomorrow and going to see Enchanted. I can't wait, it's suppose to be really good. Okay, back to my soft music.

A Spiderweb of Friends

2008-02-26T15:25:00.000-08:00

Today stared as a slow day. I had a pretty good rehearsal in Chorus class, which I still don't know the date of the concert yet. But then came the fabulousness of the assembly where we had to trudge to the fourth floor back down to the basement.

But if I had known what the assembly was about and knew it was going to effect me the way it did, I wouldn't have gone. It was about Alcoholics Anonymous and they had a guy who had been with AA for sixteen years. They assholes around me were being, well, assholes and talking and making fun of alcoholics. I was crying silently for the last 20 minutes of the assembly. When we were sent to our C period class, I took the back stairs and found Timmy and Liz waiting for me there. As soon as Liz asked me what was wrong, I burst into tears.

Liz dragged me into the bathroom and I told her that my Meme (grandmother with whom I lived with for most of my life) was an alcoholic and she'd never gone for any kind of help with it. I stood crying on her shoulder for a long time. She walked me to class when I calmed down enough. So when I went to Lydia and my locker after that class she dragged me into her Clay class so that I could cry some more. Her teacher sent me to my class with only ten minutes left in the period with a note saying I wasn't skipping class.

But I really tired myself out with that. At least I got to talk to Alec after achool and took the photos of the mock crime scene in my Forensics class. Then I waited another 15 minutes because I didn't wanna walk home alone for Liz to get out of Biggest Loser.

So frikkin' fabulous eh? No treats today kiddies.. Sorry.

Cheesecake-filled Cupcakes

2008-02-24T18:53:00.000-08:00

Okay, so today was my last day of February vacation. I have a journal entry, a final and math due tomorrow. And I had the hardest of them to do today.

On a happier note, I went to church then spent the rest of the day with my boyfriend. It was a great day with a lot of cuddling. I finally got to see POTC: Dead Man's Chest and I had a very interestng conversation about sex with my boyfriend. We were cuddling and I started up a conversation about how sex should be a sport (for those considered, I'm still a virgin). The judges for it would be little old ladies with clipboards. But I also got told to make him help me with my Child's Play essay that I got done in less then half an hour thanks to him.

But today really was a great day. I heard things I thought I never would (in person) and I really feel like I finally have one of those movie -perfect relationships with all the perks of real-life quirks. I'm finally in a situation where I don't feel threatened by others, feel rejected constintly or hear "I love you" used as a coined phrase to fix everything to a surface of perfection. There's no more mask and I feel really happy, tems like "I want to stay like this forever" are applied to a hug instead of a sexual action. I think I'm about to get my happy beginnning, because no one can have a happily ever after.. Because nothing ever ends.

Severe Weather Alert

2008-02-22T18:29:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up and I wasn't able to move. I'd had some weird dream that I was trying to get to the hospital, almost walked down to the highway and then ended up getting tasers shot at my chest from a police car. Then I wasn't allowed to go see my boyfriend and my friend Mat today until the snow stopped and my mom finslly said just go.

So I got to my boyfriend's house all by myself without getting lost! Yay! I also had their last slices of bacon pizza and played my first Wii game: Mario Party. I was on a team with my boyfriend and Mat was on a team with the computer. Needless to say, we got our asses kicked by Mat. But I now know how to use a Wii! Then we hung around, listened to music, called random people and Mat made fun of us (Graham and I) about what music we could or couldn't "make-out to". Although, he blinded himself seveal times with the bathroom light, fell down the stairs and fell off of Graham's bed; it was good to see him again.

One thing though, I can't believe we got away with, right under his nose. God knows I'll be thinking about it all night... *giggle* Yes, I'm a giggler.

Today's treat kiddos is.... A Roger Rabbit Cartton with my favorite cartton character of all time: Jessica Rabbit! http://youtube.com/watch?v=9KtTZktv0VE

Le Moo

2008-02-21T19:07:00.000-08:00

So, my boyfriend came over today as he did yesterday and we had a good time. I had him watch Nightmare Before Christmas, for he' never seen it (and he's a "true" Tim Burton fan....) And then was able to convince him to watch The Mummy and the Mummy Returns. He brought the Wacom tablet he never uses and I think it's going to be replacing my mouse. But we mostly hung out, made fun of each other and such...

And once again I really didn't want him to go home. It's been a little odd for me these past few days. Usually my boyfriend stalls when it's time for him to leave my house; I used to sort of laugh at him for it. But as of late, I've been stalling, not wanting him to leave. This morning I even woke up with an empty feeling and once he got here, I didn't feel it until we dropped him off only moments ago. It's strange for me.. If only because the last time I felt this way I got really hurt and I'm a little paranoid. I don't know what'll happen, and I find myself hanging on tighter. When we sit next to each other, I don't want to move only because I'm under a skeptic spell and if it is merely a dream, I don't want to awake. Yet, unlike last time, I feel comfortable and safe in this relationship. I feel like I don't have to try, don't have to worry. True I feel antsy and nervous hearing songs about marriage or engagment around him, but only because of my history with such a thing and I'm slowly over-coming it.

Alright, enough babble from me for tonight. Aunt Flo is visiting and she isn't too kind this month. My horomones are flying high and I'm afriad I'm a tad too horny for my own damn good. No treats tonight my freaky darlings, I'm too tired and this entry wasn't exactly planned. Good night.

White Dress and Disney

2008-02-19T12:39:00.000-08:00

Today is a total veg day. So I've been watching Disney movies and taking pictures of myself in my white sun dress to fiddle with in Photoshop. But I've been relaxing and for some reason putting off trying to get ahold of anyone or do anything. But my mother is coming home from Florida today (not until really late though) so I need to clean up the house. Doo-doo-doo... And I have homework to do... Oh well.

For today's treat, I give you my photography I took and put up on deviantart. You can access Wherefore Art Thou? here: http://willwork4food.deviantart.com/art/Wherefore-Art-Thou-77855208
And find By The Window here: http://willwork4food.deviantart.com/art/By-The-Window-77852810

Warning: By The Window is a VERY large file size when full veiw, and there is a hint of clevage... Enjoy!

A Head-rolling Night

2008-02-18T10:48:00.000-08:00

Okay, I made the mistake of making my boyfriend see Sleepy Hollow last night when he spent the day over here. I was ready to put a pillow over his face with all the corny head jokes he was telling. Other then that, it had been a pretty good day. Even when both he and my brother pinned me down and started tickling me in revenge. (I'm really hard to tickle and both of them are really easy to tickle XP)

But also this morning, I was finally able to remove my eyebrow ring and look at it. It was disgusting! I had to use four sheets of toilet paper to keep the blood and pus from dripping into my eye. Then I had to take a pair of tweezers AND a needle to clean the dirt, dry soap, blood and pus out of the ball. Then when I got most of the infection out, my friend Pam took me to the mall to get some new rings and anti-bacterial soap to clean it with.

It feel sooooooo much better now that I have a new ring that is easier to remove and clean, plus I know the kind of metal (surgical steel) so I most likely won't have any problems. And heres a picture of the new ring:

February Vacation: The Last Day of School

2008-02-15T13:01:00.000-08:00

Okay, so today was the last day of school before Feburary vacation and I got homeowrk. I have an activity to design for 6 year olds, I have to write a scene for Macbeth at least 20 lines in Iambic Pentameter, write a two paragraph "journal entry" on who was more responsible for the murder of the King in Macbeth, and the math I didn't finish in class.

But on a happier note, I'm finally friends again with Liz (Pippin/the Stalker ex-girlfriend) and I'm a saprono for my chorus class. We are doing Music of the Night from Phantom of the Opera. I love the song, it sounds like a music box with repeating melody lines, so it's easy to remember all of the notes. But there are these two parts were the sapronos can go to a high A note instead of whatever the normal note is. I was really the only one even attempting to hit it, and ended up hitting it pretty hard and covering my face withthe music sheet. But I hit it!

Alright, so yesterday was Valentine's Day and I actually had a very good dance. I had my classes, caught the bus after school and sursprised my boyfriend due to my lack of wearing my signature coat (neon lime green). We had a fun evening, had an interesting gift exchange when we gave each other the same picture from our Winter Ball, and I ended up stuffing myself sick. I even got him to watch Cats Don't Dance with me and have been carrying the card he gave me since I read it.

Okay, so (buttons) the link for today is......to a fanfiction-writer's LJ! sabrelioness is a fantastic writer of Xioalin Showdown fanfiction with great artwork as well. Be warned though that is does contain yaoi (man/man) pairings and sexual themes. Enjoy! http://sabrelioness.livejournal.com/

Happy Icky love-love Day

2008-02-14T06:58:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I am currently inschool and writing this. i was able to finally hand in 'my' Sir Gawain essay with a note written from my mom. (Ugh..) It is currently D period and I have Record Keeping. We have a sub even though we're in the Computer lab. Go figure. But so far today hasn't been all that bad.. of course, I get to go swimming next period for Gym (YES!!!) and hopefully I don't smell like chorline. XD Actually, i don't mind it, I just wanna swim today..

All the clocks in the building seem to be off, so i can't check the right time. plus my phone died this morning.. Oh well, this is just a teaser. I'll do more when I get home :P

Raindrops Keeps Falling On My Head

2008-02-13T11:56:00.001-08:00

It snow a lot last night, there was even a severe weather alert. But school started right on time.. Right at 7-fucking-40 in the morning. My mother and I shoveled ourselves out with no thanks to my brother who was still getting dressed by the time we had to leave. So, I ended being a whole fifteen minutes late, only to find out that the teacher wasn't even there yet. The day went on in its usual boring manner until I found out I have to get a note for turning in my essay late. My question is, WHY? My mother didn't even know I had to write an essay, how is she suppose to write a note saying why its late? Then my principal talked to me during lunch and got me to eat something. Then, lord and behold, its pouring when I get out of school.

My bladder was drier then the rest of my body due to the rain, and I had to fucking pee! I could taste the hair products I use from the rain running off of my head and trying to get into my mouth. And I had to squint out water from my eyes; aren't glasses suppose to stop that from happening?

Anyway, tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I think I'm actually gonna try this year. I decided I'm gonna (sort of) dress up, wear make-up (*gasp*) and I'm gonna bring in the chocolate candies shaped like lips my mom brought home foom work for me. (I don't eat candy that much and she's allgeric to chocolate). Plus I'm finishing my Valentine's day shopping tonight, so my boyfriend is getting two presents instead of one.

And, for once again putting up and reading my crap today, I give you the link to a talented group of people who perform Potter Puppet Pals shows! http://www.potterpuppetpals.com
Warning, if you don't like Harry Potter, or you are a weird obsessed finatic... You'll still like it.. XP Enjoy.

Going with the Flow

2008-02-12T12:45:00.000-08:00

Well, I've finally cracked down and went with the flow, getting myself this blog. This originated with my friend Alec, and I decided after I saw my boyfriend's to actually get one. But how hard could it be, posting your life on the internet? Let's give it a go..

I'm Sokpoppet. Yes, Sokpoppet not sock-puppet. I've had this nickname for years and use it for everything except my art in which I use my initails. What is a Sokpuppet, you may ask. Well let's see if I can define it for you...

Sokpoppet (n); (sock-pop-it) :an ultimate being born under the name Shannon Michelle Gemma on May 8, 1991 at 2:38 in the afternoon after twelve hours of backlabor. It is a sophisticated yet strange woman that messes with the general line of normality where ever normal comes into question and is protective and defensive of what she believes to be right.

Does that clear things up a bit? Right, now I've been home sick today and my brother skipped school due to his inability to find his school bag and lying that he was ill. My mum charged him to get milk, in which he dragged me along so he didn't have to go alone. So I had to walk all over the bloody Darlington area to go find milk, which was $3.39 before he decicded he was well enough to get candy. He was nice enough to buy me a chocolate cupcake that I can even think about eating without becoming sick to my stomach. Needless to say I've been in my pink monkey pajamas all fucking day.

On an even more depressing note, Valentine's day is a day away. My poor boyfriend has a dilusional idea that I'm going to have a good (at least bearable) day on Thursday. Poor, unfortunate thing, he doesn't quite understand why I say I despise the day. He can't seem to comprehend that i never have a good day on the 14th of February, single or not. Dear Lydia understands, as she witnessed the distress I went through last year and nearly obtained frostbite from the sleet that day. But I do give him points for trying. I even got him a gift for the day... But with sincerest apologizes that you have chosen to suffer through my moaning, I'll give you the link to a very good comic called Sugar Bits. http://sugar.snafu-comics.com/?strip_id=0